on my weekend away...

My husband and I just got back from a weekend away from our child. The first time we spent a night away was about 5 months ago and it was a little traumatic for me. But this time way so nice. 

I love my child. He is everything to me. The sheer fact that I deal on a day to day basis with the temper tantrums and terrible two issues is living proof of that. I would do anything for my child. And admitting that I need time away from him or that I enjoyed myself immensely without him does not change that.

Sometimes I feel like all I am is a mother. That is all I do all day long and sometimes well into the night. Slowly things that you used to enjoy get replaced by diapers and bedtimes and laundry. My husband mentioned the other day that I no longer greet him when he comes home from work at the door with a kiss, and you know what he is absolutely right. At 6 o'clock when he gets home I am in the middle of making dinner while attempting to not trip over the child attached to my leg. I usually use "Look Daddy is home!" as away to pawn off the child onto him so I can have a moment of peace. But that is motherhood. It is what we all signed up for, and I love it, most of the time.

I never wanted my husband and I to become "those parents" who lose themselves in their children. You know the ones that every sitcom has done an episode on where the parents go to dinner or away for the weekend and they have nothing to say to each other so they keep repeating the same things over and over about their kids or how they like the lemon in their water or some other mundane thing.

 But I am happy to say that the weekend away proved that we are not "those parents". We laughed and talked about all kinds of things and really enjoyed being together. It was so nice and I highly recommend it to every parent. It was great to be just the two of us again. To remember how it was when we could be spontaneous and stay up all night if we wanted to. To reinforce that he was exactly the right guy for me to take on this crazy adventure with and that I am as in love with him now as I ever have been, and just because life gets in the way sometimes and raising a child can be stressful, at the end of the day there is no one that I would rather be taking this journey with than him.

(Another great thing about getting away is how much more your family appreciates you. Both my husband and my mother have had the opportunity to be me for a weekend and both have said how happy they are that I came back, how they don't know how I do it all and how exhausting my job is. And since I have been home my child has been attacking me with hugs and kisses. It is nice to be appreciated!)

on mothering the sick...

Warning: This post contains some details of the sicknesses going around my house. Read at your own risk.

I had a conversation about a year ago with my sister-in-law who doesn't have children yet and she asked me if I ever gagged while changing my baby's diaper or caring for him while he was sick. At the time I honestly answered No. She seemed worried and wanted to know how I dealt with the more disgusting aspects of motherhood.  At the time I didn't know how to answer her. I have taken care of so many babies in my life that a messy diaper doesn't phase me at all and when I see a kid start to gag (even one that is not my own) by instinct I put out my hand to catch it. So I wasn't much help because it has never bothered me. 

However in the last two weeks, two separate events have made me reconsidered the question.

The first event occured two fridays ago when my child had a random rancid diaper. Sometimes these things happen so I didn't think much of it and put the child in the bath (it was THAT kind of diaper). All was going well, I went to grab his towel, turned back to my child and he looked up at me and said "diaper change." Let me translate... this is what my child says when he needs to have a messy diaper changed, so he was telling me that he had just gone to the bathroom and would like me to change his nonexistent diaper. He has NEVER had an accident before in the tub and of course it was a stomach virus, nasty mess.

The second happened two days ago as I was heading off for a girls weekend. I got all dressed up and I was going to drop my child off at my husbands work and then meet the girls at my mother-in-laws house so we could all drive down together. On the way to my husbands office, since I was a little early, I decided to stop at the grocery store to pick up some granola bars as it is always good to keep snacks on hand when you are pregnant. I picked out the bars and stood in line. Then I looked down at my unusually quiet child, who I was holding as he has been a little clingy, to see his little body heaving as he proceeded to throw up all over me.

In both events I understood what my sister-in-law had worried about as the sights and smells I was assaulted with combined with my not-so-iron-clad pregnant stomach. In both cases there was a moment that I thought I was going to lose it right there and then, and then my little boy looked up at me. And in his face I saw a mixture of fear and pain and the tears rising to his eyes as he saw the panic on my face and realized that something was wrong.

 And that changes everything, just like flipping a light switch, your mothering instincts and your need to comfort and protect your child first above all else kicks in. It trumps everything including the overwhelming need to get sick, and you do the only thing you can do, you ignore the smell, the fact that your clothes are very likely ruined, your previous plans and you wrap your arms around your little guy. You cradle him to your chest and find yourself whispering words of comfort in an amazingly calm and controlled voice and that's when you realize that you have made it to motherhood. Really there are no tricks of the trade, there is no way to prepare yourself for dealing with any of it. But there is also no reason to worry because the instinct to nurture is ingrained in women so when you are faced with crisis you just do what comes naturally.

on being difficult...

I am a difficult women to live with. The combination of being pregnant and taking care of an active almost 2 year old has made me difficult. My hormones and emotions are seriously out of wack which is a bad combo in general but add to that a handful of temper tantrums, sleeplessness, a sick little boy and having an achy tired body from carrying around said little boy who is 26ish pounds and you have the mess that is me. My poor husband has gotten his fair share of tearful phone calls and not so pleasant grunts of hello as he has walked through the door the last few days. But today I realized how difficult I have become.

Back up for a second...

Yesterday was a bad day. I may have accidentally given my child expired frozen go-gurt. Who knew those things expired so quickly even when they are in the freezer? And yes I am awaiting my mother-of-the-year trophy for that one. This also explains a lot to those of you who saw me and the puddle of mush that was my son yesterday. Anyways, bad day meant hysterically sobbing phone call to my husband.

Now back to today...

It has been good. Almost pleasant. The effects of said rancid go-gurt are mostly gone and I got a good night sleep. It is days like these that I am totally on board with this having another baby thing.

A few minutes a go I got a call from my husband. It went something like this...

Me: "Hello!" in a bright cheery voice

Hubby: "Hey..." in a cautious, but hopeful voice. "How are you doing?" (he seemed almost scared to ask)

Me: "great! we just hung around the house today, the baby was in a good mood."

Hubby: HUGE sigh of relief. "thats good"

And then I felt horrible. I have that guy sitting on pins and needles just waiting to see what kind of mood I am in.

Me: "you sounded scared to ask that."

Hubby: caution returning to his voice "yeah kind of..."

Me: laughing "yeah I guess I would be too."

Lessons that my husband has learned very well...

Never cross a pregnant women.

Apologize profusely when talking to a sobbing pregnant women even if you have no idea what she is saying.

Use caution when talking to a pregnant women until you have accessed her emotional and hormomal level.

Watch for mood swings they can appear mid conversation for no apparent reason.

I know that being pregnant is no picnic but I am in a good emotional and hormonal state at the moment to realize that it kind of sucks to be the guy too. So I am going to try and be less difficult, or at least realize when I am not making any sence and just let it go.

on THAT MOM...

Yesterday I was "THAT MOM" you know the kind, it's the kind that you used to see struggling with an out of control child and in your professional opinion as an unmarried, childless women you thought "what is wrong with that kid! what a spoiled little brat, I bet THAT MOM lets him get away with anything at home. That's why he is flipping out. It serves her right."

Ok so maybe you are better than I am but I will admit that I judged a few poor frazzled women with a crazed child in my day as the worst mother in the world and that she must have brought this on herself.  And then yesterday all those moments of judging came back to bite me.

I went to a friends house for a baby shower, and my child was in a mood. He spent half the time stealing the other children's toys or food or really anything else that they touched in the 2 hours we were there, and the other half of the time he spent screaming, at the top of his lungs, for no reason. It was one of the low points of my life.

And I felt like such an idiot. Like everyone was wondering exactly what I let him get away with at home. And let me tell you, I don't let him get away with anything. I swear I don't just lay around on the couch all day and let my child have full run of the place. He is not allowed to trash the house or hit people or steal things. Time outs, and saying "I'm sorry" and "Please and thank you" are the norm around here. I have a fairly well behaved child on a day to day basis. Sure he's a little high strung and spirited but on the whole he's a good kid.

And so yesterday I realized something about THAT MOM. Maybe those poor women that I labeled as bad mothers were really, like me, just having a bad day. And I have resolved from here on out to be more understanding and sympathetic, and when I see THAT MOM with her kid in the store I will politely turn my head and pretend to not noticed the piercing screams.

on what today looked like...

From where I sit this is what today looked like...

here's to lazy summer days.

on things that ARE great...

This post was originally going to be entitled things that seem great... at first, and I was going to list all of the things through motherhood that you spend your time looking forward to and then it happens and you wonder why you were excited for it. Things like...

-when you are first pregnant and you are so excited to get all cute and round so you can wear pregnancy clothes and look pregnant.

(all of the mothers out there can now laugh at the ridiculousness of that statement, however we all felt it at first) and then we got our wish and suddenly you are gigantic and you realize just how good you had it when you didn't have to wear elastic waist pants. 

-or when you lay in bed being kicked to death from the inside and you thought "I can't wait till this kid comes out because I am sure that I will sleep better"

OH how wrong you are! Dealing with a baby at 3 am get old REALLY fast, and suddenly you find yourself wishing you could put it back in for just one night so you could sleep.

-or when your blessedly still child gets frustrated because he cannot move and keeps accidentally batting the toys just out of his grasp and you think "I cannot wait until he is mobile and can get the things he wants by himself"

And then he becomes mobile and insists upon hovering dangerously close to all the sharp corners in your home and you long for the days when he was stuck wherever you placed him.

-or when your child starts walking

This is perhaps the shortest moment of excitement in a mother's life. You shout for joy exactly one time and then you realize that your life is now over.

I had planned to put the following event on this list as well, but I changed my mind and then had to change the post as well...

-when the first time your child says "mama" is followed closely by the 5,000th time they say "mama"

I had heard and envisioned being so excited when my baby finally said mama and then being completely sick of hearing it as my child repeated the name endlessly all day and night.

and then my child waited a full 15 months to say it and although he has probably said mama a million times this week alone, I STILL LOVE IT! My little mother's heart just about bursts with pride and joy when I hear him call my name. Perhaps it is because I had to wait so long, perhaps it is because he has always preferred "dada" and has said so since he was 7 months old. I don't know but I still can't get enough of it.

I think it partially has to do with the way he says "mama." See dad is the fun one who throws him up in the air and tackles him to the ground so "dada" is usually said in excitement as he is running full tilt away from his father who is inevitably chasing him. Whereas "mama" is said in his sweet soft little voice. It is usually said when he needs comfort and almost always comes with a hug or a kiss. On that note it is "mama" that he calls for when he wakes up in the night. And I have to say that although I am a stickler for his bedtime routine and being all business when dealing with him in the night. But nothing breaks my heart and sends me running into his room like hearing him cry for "mama".

Other things that are as great as they seem...

-your baby's smile and laugh

-watching them learn and understand things

-having them be able to communicate with you and tell you what they want instead of whining

-watching your baby experience new things especially things that you did as a child

-SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!

-getting a hug and kiss

-when they are interested in watching tv. I know that nominates me for mother of the year but it is so true!

-labor

I know this one needs some explaining.

perhaps I should have said labor with an epidural.

After labor I remember holding my new little baby and turning to my husband and saying "that wasn't bad at all." Now that's not saying that it didn't hurt, especially before the epidural which is why I will be asking for one immediately upon entering the hospital next time. But there is something very empowering about bringing a child into the world. And then I look at this sweet little guy in my arms and thought "wow! I did that!" Plus you get a baby out of it so it is pretty great.

on having 8 kids...

Today I went to a funeral. It was a sad day. On the back of the program they had all the man's children and grandchildren listed. He had 8 children and 39 grandchildren when he died. After reading through the names my husband turns to me and says "I want to have 8 kids." I replied "Good luck with that!"

I wish I could tell you that he was joking. But my husband LOVES kids. So chances are he probably wasn't.

Just thinking about that makes me tired.