on how things are...

( I wrote this post a back in March, and forgot about it until I looked through my drafts, funny how motherhood makes you sentimental at the oddest of times)

We went to Disneyland this last Saturday as a family. I realized that was our first little "vacation" with just the three of us, usually my parent's or my husbands parents take us places, but this time it was just us. And it was an amazingly stress free and fun day. This was my little guy's 3rd trip to Disneyland in less than a year, but this time was different. Since it was only us we didn't have to worry about holding up the group while we changed a diaper, or let our little guy run off some energy. We went at our own pace, went on only kid friendly rides and had a nice relaxing day. And throughout the day I kept on thinking "Wow, this really feels like a family trip." Not like before when you were just hauling around a baby, trying to enjoy a trip, while attempting to fit your day around his normal schedule. But now he is older and I have mellowed out a lot and so we just went with it and if he napped, he napped and if not he was fine to run around and explore.

At the end of the night we went on Pirates of the Caribbean. My little man does not fall sleep on me any more, he has in fact vehemently refused to do so for the last 9 months. It is because he is a fighter he has never in his entire 18 months of life just drifted peacefully off to sleep in my arms. He always has put up fight squirming and protesting until he finally just collapsed from exhaustion. And now that he is older it is beneath him to be rocked or cuddled to sleep. He is far too independent for that and insists upon doing it himself.

Well it had been a long day, he had taken a nap in the stroller but he was quickly running out of steam. At this point he was either going to be very grumpy or become completely delirious. We went on the ride expecting to make it the last one and then have him fall sleep in the stroller on the way to the car. However, the ride made him a little nervous so he hung onto me and buried his face in my chest and the next thing I knew he was out cold. I think he is normally just so high strung that he doesn't sit still long enough to relax and drop off but since he was scared his eyes were already closed and he just fell asleep. It was so funny.

I didn't have the heart to put him back in his stroller because 1. he NEVER lets me hold him while he sleeps and 2. he was still clinging to me for comfort. So I carried him all the way out of the park and to my car. When we reached main street I was pretty sure that my back was about to snap right in half from the strain being placed on it but I ignored it.

That march to my car cradling my baby made me reflective of the years of mothering that I have ahead of me. The whole process is hard and many times extremely painful. You spend your life attempting to navigate your child through this crazy world, trying to hold and protect them and make them feel safe. Many times you feel like you wont make it, like the burdens placed on you are too hard. But then you look down at your little boy with his hands still clinging to your shirt seeking comfort and you give it, even though you feel that you have nothing left to give. And you do it because you love them more than anything.

The sad thing is that at the end of my journey I got to tuck my baby safely into his bed, but at the end of mothering we have to let them leave. You spend 18+ years giving them your entire life and then your expected to just let go. Especially boys. They become men. There will come a time when they wont want to be held and kissed and sheltered. They will want to move on and it's our job to let them. I thought of this as I walked through the park my arms screaming in protest.

 And then there was no way I was going to put him down. I was going to cuddle him to my chest and enjoy the fact that I could make him feel safe, that I could still protect him and take care of him and all I had to do was smile and pretend that it wasn't killing me. Because someday soon, sooner than I expect I will have to let him go, I will have to let someone else take care of him and all I will be able to do is smile and pretend that it's not killing me.

on naming a baby...

My biggest concern these days is that my baby will never have a name. I literally cannot think of a single boys name that I like. I am having serious issues with this. I have gone through my baby name book that has 5 million names and found exactly 5 million names that I feel completely indifferent towards. I have googled baby names and found only that celebrities must really hate their children because who names a kid "Apple" anyways. Also one poor little boy is named "Speck"... seriously. If that kid doesn't grow up with a complex then no one will. Who does that?

The other day I was with my husbands family and my sister in law and niece were trying to help me. I finally had to stop saying what I was thinking because every name that they came up with I either knew someone with that name (and not just like some kid that i ran into once in third grade) but like a cousins name or one of their kids names or a close friend. And I felt bad that I was shooting down all their names.

It is a lot of pressure to name a kid. This is the name they will be stuck with for the rest of their lives. Also this is the name that your will be hollering multiple times a day for at least the first 4 years of life so it better roll off your tongue naturally. You want it cute for when they are tiny and yet solid enough so when they grow up they aren't stuck as "Dr Stuey".

I guess the hardest part is that I have tons of girl names that I would love to use, but no girls currently growing in my belly so I am out of luck with that one. In fact I had the name, I was sure this baby was a girl so I had her name first and middle all ready. We had told our son and everything. So much for that.

 

I also LOVED my first son's name. I was set on it right from the start and had to convince my husband that it was the one. We had a list of other names too that we gave our parents (we don't tell the name of our baby until they are born partially because my husband likes to surprise people and partially because you get more people's opinions when you say "we are thinking of naming him this..." instead of "this is our kid, his name is..." and i think you need to see the kid before you can decide on a name because not every baby can pull off "Butch")

 

Sidetrack anyways, I loved my first little boy's name and now I can't find one that I love and I feel like I am just going to have to pick something and it won't be a name I love and I will always feel bad that the first child got the name I loved and his father's name as a middle name and the second just got stuck with something sad like "Howard" because he had to have a name and I had nothing.

 

Well that's the problem I have. But I guess I have 3 (oh my gosh I thought I had more than 3 months left! yikes! that was a reality check) more months to figure it out.

 

P.S. Please do not be offended if you happen to love the names Stuey, Butch or Howard they are just not my cup of tea. But if you like the name Speck you have serious problems.