A couple weeks ago we were at dinner at someone's home (names will be omitted to protect the innocent) and there was an elderly women there who has known our family for a very long time. In the course of the evening the festivities were all of a sudden interupted by my child's scream. My husband carried the struggling child into the room annoncing that he had just hit the elderly women across the face and had earned himself a timeout.
On our way home that night my husband and I were discussing the event and surprisingly we had conflicting views about punishing our child for his actions. Now thats not saying that I encourage my child to hit elderly women across the face. But I could see his point in the matter. Let me explain...
Everytime that we see this women, immediately upon us entering the house she tries desperately to get Jackson to hug, kiss or let her hold him. I can understand this, she wants to interact with our adorable child, who can blame her. But the way she approaches it is a little forceful. And she has unfortunately caused him to anticipate her advances not in a positive way but rather by grabbing onto which ever parent is holding him with a death grib because, understandibly, he is a little unnerved by this women. Also he is a toddler with the independance that comes with it, and he does not warm up to people quickly and sometimes has very specific views of who he wants. That's just the stage of life that we are dealing with. On top of it all he doesn't sit still for anyone. So he doesn't want to be held and sit quietly in her lap, which is what she wants. So all in all we have conflicting intrests here.
What usually happens is that he won't go to her, won't kiss or hug her and as soon as we put him down he runs off to play with the other kids. Well, on this particular day, she was outside watching the kids play and trying to get one of them to come sit with her. Everytime my little guy ran passed she would ask him if he wanted to sit with her and he would reply "no" because sitting is the last thing my child ever wants to do. So on one of the passes he made by her she decided to take matters into her own hands and reached down and scooped him up. To which he replied "NO NO NO." When he was not released he besowed the above mentioned slap across her face.
Now once again I do not think it was ok that he hit her, but let's look at it from his perspective for a minute. He is already wary of this women, he wants to run and play with the kids, she asked him if he wanted to came to her -he said "NO", she picked him up against his will anyways to which he said "NO", and when she wouldn't let him go he hit her. In a way it was just self defense. He was being forced to do something he was not comfortable with, his will was being ignored so he used the last option he had. Now you could say, "yes but he knew the women, and she wasn't trying to hurt him."
But isn't it also wrong to teach you children that they have to just take whatever is happening to them because they are little, to take away their right to decide what make them comfortable and makes them feel safe. That doesn't seem right either.
So what is the right answer here?
You have such a good knowledge of typical child development and what kind of behavior is typical of a toddler, and you can't expect more than that right now. We always tell parents we work with to "respond to the first positive attempt at communication." He told her "no" twice before he hit her, hitting was not his first instinct. In fact, I think she was kind of asking for it by not respecting his "no's" Again, not that hitting an elder woman is ok, ever, but what else was the poor kid supposed to do?
ReplyDeleteAmen to the Goodwin Family. I so agree. He was trying in the best way he knew how to tell her no. She has no right to just grab him up and force him to be with her. I agree you deal with the hitting, but maybe say something to her as well. She needs to understand that no means no, no matter who it comes from.
ReplyDeleteI read an article once about how even at a very young age children need to feel that they have a say in what happens to their body. They need to know that it is theirs. An adult should never try to force a child to hug or kiss them. It sends a message that could be confusing to the child if they were ever to become a victim of sexual abuse. Not that this is in any way what was happening in this situation. But if you teach a child that it is ok to force them to hug or kiss you, then if someone ever tries to do something inappropriate to them, they may not realize that it is wrong and might not report it or they will just think it is ok. I hope that makes sense. I wish I remembered where I read that at so I could give you the link. But I agree with the other comments. Address the hitting with your child, but I would also talk to the woman and tell her that he doesn't feel comfortable hugging and kissing her and you don't want her to force it.
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