On friday I was sad.
I had my third long, hard, frusturating day in a row with my toddler followed by a dinner out that ended in yet another full blown public temper tantrum. My husband had met us at the resturant so I drove his car home and made him drive with the child. And I cried... the whole way home.
Sometimes this whole motherhood thing is just so overwhelming. You feel like you are about to lose that weak grasp that you have on your sanity. You feel like you have nothing more to give. Like even after you have given everything that you have... it's not enough and somehow you always come up short. You feel like you don't have enough time or energy to give your child, your husband and forget about yourself. That is so far at the bottom of the list, piled under loads of laundry and stacks of dishes.
Well all in all I was just overwhelmed and tired. So very tired. I am tired from chasing around my energetic little boy. I am tired from the countless temper tantrums that I have to deal with on a daily basis many of which take place in public where I have entire stores or resturants full of people glaring at me as if thinking "what kind of mother is she, why is her child so out of control, what a bratty kid, or why doesn't she just leave." All the while trying to wrestle a screaming flailing child away from whatever set him off, and trying to not have him kick me in the stomache because I am pretty sure that's not good for the baby. On that note, I am generally tired because I am pregnant and being tired is mandatory like fat ankles, and I am tired because I am already not sleeping well. I could go on... but it's a long list.
But what all of this added up to was a little emotional breakdown in the car. I felt like such a failure. And mostly I was scared. Scared because in a couple of months I will have two. And if having one was hard, what was it going to be like with two?!
I arrived home, with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, to my little boy dancing around the room. When he saw my face he stopped and his little face scrunched with concern. My husband told him that I was sad because he had been screaming at me. With that my little guy climbed onto my lap and began stroking my cheek while babbling softly to me. He then sat next to me on the couch and laid my head on his shoulder and sat very still and quiet just holding me, like I have done with him so many times. And I realized that I must be doing something right because I have this sweet caring little boy who has recieved comfort and love when he was sad and he knew exactly how to comfort me. It was a very sweet moment.
Well all in all I was just overwhelmed and tired. So very tired. I am tired from chasing around my energetic little boy. I am tired from the countless temper tantrums that I have to deal with on a daily basis many of which take place in public where I have entire stores or resturants full of people glaring at me as if thinking "what kind of mother is she, why is her child so out of control, what a bratty kid, or why doesn't she just leave." All the while trying to wrestle a screaming flailing child away from whatever set him off, and trying to not have him kick me in the stomache because I am pretty sure that's not good for the baby. On that note, I am generally tired because I am pregnant and being tired is mandatory like fat ankles, and I am tired because I am already not sleeping well. I could go on... but it's a long list.
But what all of this added up to was a little emotional breakdown in the car. I felt like such a failure. And mostly I was scared. Scared because in a couple of months I will have two. And if having one was hard, what was it going to be like with two?!
I arrived home, with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, to my little boy dancing around the room. When he saw my face he stopped and his little face scrunched with concern. My husband told him that I was sad because he had been screaming at me. With that my little guy climbed onto my lap and began stroking my cheek while babbling softly to me. He then sat next to me on the couch and laid my head on his shoulder and sat very still and quiet just holding me, like I have done with him so many times. And I realized that I must be doing something right because I have this sweet caring little boy who has recieved comfort and love when he was sad and he knew exactly how to comfort me. It was a very sweet moment.
That is seriously so painfully precious! I'm sorry you had such a tough night, but you are truly fabulous and I often look to you wondering how you do it all. While the little one may not yet appreciate all you do, I do. Love you so much!
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