So it's 10:30 and I am already home from church. It was one of those Sundays, so I finally just gave up and saved everyone elses eardrums and brought my kid home. And this made me reflective on motherhood.
I will start out by saying it is hard! (the only people who will tell you otherwise are your parent because they want you to give them more grandchildren), and it does not make you a bad mother to admit this, because we are all thinking it.
This job truely is the hardest but most rewarding one. I was foolish enough to pride myself with being prepared for motherhood. I had been a nanny to two sets of twins so I knew the general ups and downs of raising a child and although I knew it would not be easy I felt prepared, especially since I was only having one. I was not prepared. There is nothing that can prepare you for this.
It is such an emotional rollercoaster. You feel like you are never doing enough, never able to give you child the time and attention that he needs and keep up a house, and make dinner and.... a million other things. You simulaniously feel overwhelmed by the amount of things you need to do and guilty that you cannot physically do more. You feel guilty for the times that you do not handle the pressure well, the times that you snap and are not as patient as you should be.
And you worry... oh how you worry. You worry when they are sick, you worry that they don't eat enough, drink enough, sleep enough. You worry that you don't give then enough time, attention and love. You worry that you will do something wrong, and they won't grow up to be strong and faithful. You worry about the world and how its slow degredation will effect them, and if you will be able to protect them from it. You worry about the time when they are grown and leave and how you will ever be able to let them go.
I should also mention that as a mother you cry... a lot, and thats ok too.
Although I have only been a mother for a short time I have started to compose a list of things that I know now, things that I am trying to be better about doing that make life a little easier...
Don't compare yourself
I do this ALL the time. There is a women in my ward who has 5 kids the youngest of which is 7 months, and she is the relief society president. Every Sunday as I come racing into church with my hair wet pulling my kids shoes on as I go completely frazzled, I look up to her row and there she sits with all of her children dressed, ontime and sitting quietly. She seems to always be calm and collected with every hair in place, as she makes the rounds, chatting and laughing. And I think to myself "what is wrong with me?" I have one kid, she has five and she is the one that has everything together... how does that make sense?
Then a few weeks ago I saw a stroller in the hallway, and when sunday school started here comes this women into the chapel pushing her youngest in the stroller. As she passed me she turned and said "I told my husband last week that I had to find someway to get this kid to sleep at church. He is driving me crazy!" And suddenly I felt SO much better. No one gets off free and clear from the struggles of parenthood. As you have more children you just are able to accept it and pretend better than the rookies. So don't compare yourself to other mothers because chances are they are just putting on a brave face out in public.
Life may not be perfect but it is full of perfect moments
There are days when I keep a mental list of all of the naughty things that my kid has done that day so when his father gets home I can illustrate just how rotten my day was. However, in my mission to mentally document the bad things I have completely overlooked those great moments. Every day has a perfect moment, a moment that we can look at and think "wow, I have the best life!" Now if you are having a bad day you might think "There was not one good minute of my entire day" but that is because you were not looking for one. A perfect moment could be as simple as watching your child sleep peacefully, or having him smile at you or cuddling with him because he is not feeling well. And sometimes a perfect moment can come from a not so perfect one, for more on that read on...
In life you have two choices you can laugh or you can cry... choose to laugh.
Kids are kids and they will do things that make you crazy, and you can either get upset or you can laugh, and in my experience it always turns out better if you just laugh. Just realize that at some point they are going to unroll an entire roll of toilet paper, they are going to get into something sticky and smear it all over themselves, they will empty multiple boxes of cereal on your newly cleaned kitchen floor, and the day will come when you will peek in on your child who is supposed to be napping and find that he has removed his diaper and is prancing around his crib naked. Yes, these have all happened to me and I laughed. Because how can you not when you ask your child where his diaper went and he proudly points over the edge of the crib. And all of these moments that I could have been annoyed have become fond memories.
Enjoy every stage of life... and if you can't enjoy it accept it
When you have a baby it seems that you are always waiting for the next thing to happen. You think "oh I can't wait until he can... smile, laugh, roll over, sleep better, crawl, walk, talk..." and in the process of looking forward to the next thing you miss out on the things they are doing now. Looking back I miss those nights when I would nurse him and he would fall asleep in my arms. My little guy now refuses to fall asleep while being held and if I could go back I would ignore the fact that it was 2 am and I was exhausted and I would just hold him and enjoy the fact that he wanted me to.
The second part of this one is harder for me. I have been blessed with an extremely active and independent little guy. The fact is that he is not the world's best shopping buddy and he has no intrest in sittting still for three even one hour at church, and even though I know this about him I get frustrated when he can't handle multiple stores in a row or multiple hours at church. But that is my life, and the other day it hit me as we were once again trying to attempt a shopping trip with Daddy and my little guy was so restless and didn't understand why he couldn't get out and touch all of the breakables. So I took him out of the store and let him run around outside, and at that moment I was the best Mommy in the world. He was SO excited and was running and laughing and babbling about everything he saw. And after all what will I really remember from that day... the stuff that I didn't get to look at that I probably wouldn't have bought anyways or the squeals of my kid as he chased a bird.
Other "accept it" moments come as your child grows and needs to learn things by trail and error ie. self feeding which I am not a fan of. It was so much easier and cleaner to just shovel the food in his mouth. But they want to be independent and so you had over the fork and grimace as he grabs a hand full of peanut butter and uses it to style his hair. Or when you are trying to make dinner and your little one is needy and won't let go of your leg. It's ok to let dinner wait and hold your baby. And who cares if people are coming over and you want everything to be ontime, guess what you have a kid and sometimes things just don't happen but this is the stage of life that you are in.
Enjoy every stage of life... and if you can't enjoy it accept it
When you have a baby it seems that you are always waiting for the next thing to happen. You think "oh I can't wait until he can... smile, laugh, roll over, sleep better, crawl, walk, talk..." and in the process of looking forward to the next thing you miss out on the things they are doing now. Looking back I miss those nights when I would nurse him and he would fall asleep in my arms. My little guy now refuses to fall asleep while being held and if I could go back I would ignore the fact that it was 2 am and I was exhausted and I would just hold him and enjoy the fact that he wanted me to.
The second part of this one is harder for me. I have been blessed with an extremely active and independent little guy. The fact is that he is not the world's best shopping buddy and he has no intrest in sittting still for
Other "accept it" moments come as your child grows and needs to learn things by trail and error ie. self feeding which I am not a fan of. It was so much easier and cleaner to just shovel the food in his mouth. But they want to be independent and so you had over the fork and grimace as he grabs a hand full of peanut butter and uses it to style his hair. Or when you are trying to make dinner and your little one is needy and won't let go of your leg. It's ok to let dinner wait and hold your baby. And who cares if people are coming over and you want everything to be ontime, guess what you have a kid and sometimes things just don't happen but this is the stage of life that you are in.
Don't worry about the things that you cannot change
Kids will get sick but then they get better, sometimes they don't eat or sleep and there is no explanation for it at all. Take life as it comes, realize that although family trips won't be perfect, temper tantrums may happen at embarassing times, and that you cannot possibly plan for every incident that may occur. Worrying never helps and only makes you dread the outing. Also, it does you no good to worry about paying for college while you are still paying for diapers. Things never turn out as you expect them to anyways.
Don't be so hard on yourself
At the end of the day when you go into your baby's room to check on him before you go to bed, take a minute to just watch him sleep. And realize that although you may not feel like you did everything you could have that day, your child feels safe and loved and is able to sleep peacefully knowing that you are there. And although the laundry may be still in the dryer and there are dishes still stacked in the sink, you took care of what was really important that day. You played with your child, you taught him and showed him that he is loved and cared for. And thats what it means to be a mother.
Kids will get sick but then they get better, sometimes they don't eat or sleep and there is no explanation for it at all. Take life as it comes, realize that although family trips won't be perfect, temper tantrums may happen at embarassing times, and that you cannot possibly plan for every incident that may occur. Worrying never helps and only makes you dread the outing. Also, it does you no good to worry about paying for college while you are still paying for diapers. Things never turn out as you expect them to anyways.
Don't be so hard on yourself
At the end of the day when you go into your baby's room to check on him before you go to bed, take a minute to just watch him sleep. And realize that although you may not feel like you did everything you could have that day, your child feels safe and loved and is able to sleep peacefully knowing that you are there. And although the laundry may be still in the dryer and there are dishes still stacked in the sink, you took care of what was really important that day. You played with your child, you taught him and showed him that he is loved and cared for. And thats what it means to be a mother.
