on grandpa...

My grandfather is currently fighting for his life in a hospital room. He was admitting last week with pneumonia and last night suddenly took a turn for the worse. We almost lost him, actually we did for a few moments. He was not supposed to make it through the night but by some miracle he did.

Last night was one of the worst night of my life. I sat on a cold plastic chair in a tiny little waiting room watching my grandmother's heart break as she pleaded with the Lord to let her have just a little more time with her husband. At some point through the hours of sobbing and praying she asked the question "did he know?" Did he know how much I loved him, did he know that he means everything to me, did he know that he is the best thing that ever happened to me, did he really know. Did I tell him enough, did I show him enough, did he see through all the stupid things I have said over the years... It is a horrible question to have to ask yourself when you might never get the chance to make it right.

Of course grandpa knows that his doting wife adores him. That they are as much in love today as they were 60 years ago when they were married. And in this time of crisis that is something that she can hold on to, that he does know. I have had to ask this question once before in my life and unfortunately my answer was no, she did not know.

So my question to all of you is the same "Do they know?' Do your kids know how much you love them, does your husband know. Do you tell them evey day, every chance you get or do you just assume they know. Do your parents, siblings, grandparents, and friends know?  Or do you let other things get in the way of telling them.

don't let another day pass without letting them know, so you will never have to ask that question.

on things I think I need...

from tatertots and jello

in fact I think I need one of these for every season.

from tweet heart wall art

but first I need a little girl

Blue mason jars shown in The Pleated Poppy

just because I think they are cool

from Pottery Barn

but I can make it for a lot less than the $179 price tag

on surviving...

I am drinking ginger ale and feeling sick. I have stuck my child in front of yet another show so I can just sit in peace and be sick. That is the story of my life

Although I have to say ginger ale is amazing. I have never really had it before but my husband heard that ginger helps with nausea so he bought me the 24 pack. And it works, it's amazing.

This week my favorite things are ginger ale and Toy Story 2. They help me survive. Why Toy Story 2 and not the origional? the answer is simple...  Jesse. My child is OBSESSED with Jesse. His first crush at only 20 months old. I'm in deep trouble.

on questions with hard answers...

A couple weeks ago we were at dinner at someone's home (names will be omitted to protect the innocent) and there was an elderly women there who has known our family for a very long time. In the course of the evening the festivities were all of a sudden interupted by my child's scream. My husband carried the struggling child into the room annoncing that he had just hit the elderly women across the face and had earned himself a timeout.

On our way home that night my husband and I were discussing the event and surprisingly we had conflicting views about punishing our child for his actions. Now thats not saying that I encourage my child to hit elderly women across the face. But I could see his point in the matter. Let me explain...

Everytime that we see this women, immediately upon us entering the house she tries desperately to get Jackson to hug, kiss or let her hold him. I can understand this, she wants to interact with our adorable child, who can blame her. But the way she approaches it is a little forceful. And she has unfortunately caused him to anticipate her advances not in a positive way but rather by grabbing onto which ever parent is holding him with a death grib because, understandibly, he is a little unnerved by this women. Also he is a toddler with the independance that comes with it, and he does not warm up to people quickly and sometimes has very specific views of who he wants. That's just the stage of life that we are dealing with. On top of it all he doesn't sit still for anyone. So he doesn't want to be held and sit quietly in her lap, which is what she wants. So all in all we have conflicting intrests here.

What usually happens is that he won't go to her, won't kiss or hug her and as soon as we put him down he runs off to play with the other kids. Well, on this particular day, she was outside watching the kids play and trying to get one of them to come sit with her. Everytime my little guy ran passed she would ask him if he wanted to sit with her and he would reply "no" because sitting is the last thing my child ever wants to do. So on one of the passes he made by her she decided to take matters into her own hands and reached down and scooped him up. To which he replied "NO NO NO." When he was not released he besowed the above mentioned slap across her face.  

Now once again I do not think it was ok that he hit her, but let's look at it from his perspective for a minute. He is already wary of this women, he wants to run and play with the kids, she asked him if he wanted to came to her -he said "NO", she picked him up against his will anyways to which he said "NO", and when she wouldn't let him go he hit her. In a way it was just self defense. He was being forced to do something he was not comfortable with, his will was being ignored so he used the last option he had. Now you could say, "yes but he knew the women, and she wasn't trying to hurt him."

But isn't it also wrong to teach you children that they have to just take whatever is happening to them because they are little, to take away their right to decide what make them comfortable and makes them feel safe. That doesn't seem right either.

So what is the right answer here?

on being sad...

On friday I was sad.

I had my third long, hard, frusturating day in a row with my toddler followed by a dinner out that ended in yet another full blown public temper tantrum. My husband had met us at the resturant so I drove his car home and made him drive with the child. And I cried... the whole way home.

Sometimes this whole motherhood thing is just so overwhelming. You feel like you are about to lose that weak grasp that you have on your sanity. You feel like you have nothing more to give. Like even after you have given everything that you have... it's not enough and somehow you always come up short. You feel like you don't have enough time or energy to give your child, your husband and forget about yourself. That is so far at the bottom of the list, piled under loads of laundry and stacks of dishes.

Well all in all I was just overwhelmed and tired. So very tired. I am tired from chasing around my energetic little boy. I am tired from the countless temper tantrums that I have to deal with on a daily basis many of which take place in public where I have entire stores or resturants full of people glaring at me as if thinking "what kind of mother is she, why is her child so out of control, what a bratty kid, or why doesn't she just leave." All the while trying to wrestle a screaming flailing child away from whatever set him off, and trying to not have him kick me in the stomache because I am pretty sure that's not good for the baby. On that note, I am generally tired because I am pregnant and being tired is mandatory like fat ankles, and I am tired because I am already not sleeping well. I could go on... but it's a long list.

But what all of this added up to was a little emotional breakdown in the car. I felt like such a failure. And mostly I was scared. Scared because in a couple of months I will have two. And if having one was hard, what was it going to be like with two?!

 I arrived home, with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks, to my little boy dancing around the room. When he saw my face he stopped and his little face scrunched with concern. My husband told him that I was sad because he had been screaming at me. With that my little guy climbed onto my lap and began stroking my cheek while babbling softly to me. He then sat next to me on the couch and laid my head on his shoulder and sat very still and quiet just holding me, like I have done with him so many times.  And I realized that I must be doing something right because I have this sweet caring little boy who has recieved comfort and love when he was sad and he knew exactly how to comfort me. It was a very sweet moment.

on things I have to look forward to...

This picture was taken the night before my little guy joined our family...

and yes I know, I was a beast. I went searching for this the other day to settle a discussion my husband and I were having. A girl in our ward just had her baby, and last week when we saw her at church she was still tiny. Like one of those people who NEVER gain any wieght and even when they are 9 months pregnant and ready to pop you can still honestly call them tiny. These kinda of people make me mad. Especially after seeing this ravashing picture of myself.

So I was saying to my husband "I can't believe she had her baby she was so tiny!"

To which my husband replied "No, she was huge, did you see her last week."

To which I said "No, she was tiny, you want to see someone who was HUGE check this out..."

and I brought up the above picture.

To which my husband (being the good man that he is) denied over and over my claims that I was the size of a walrus even with the proof staring him right in the face. That's why I love him.

But the fact still remains... that is what I have to look forward to. In about 6 months I will once again be a beast.

But then again I also have this to look forward to...

I remember this like it was yesterday. The first time I saw my baby. I didn't know that you could love something that had been kicking you for 5 months straight so much.

And that's what I have to look forward to. In 6 more months I will be holding my baby. I can't wait!

on having a second... no really

And yes, I mean a child.

I am indeed pregnant with my second.

 And it was the biggest surprise of my life to date.

I have already noticed some real differences between my first pregnancy and my second.

First of all the last one was planned.

And boy was it planned... I counted days, tracted my period and ovulation cycle, I knew the exact days that I could get pregnant and I did. Simple as that. I also knew exactly when the first date of my last period was (because EVERYONE asks you that when you are pregnant) and I knew exactly when the next one would show up (I am one of those "like clockwork" kind of people). So when that day came and no period, I knew I was pregnant.

This time was not planned.

I had NO idea when the first day of my last period was or any day of my last period for that matter. So I had no idea when the next one would come, but I did have this funny feeling that I had missed it.

Last time I took the pregancy test before my husband got home. My eyes filled with happy tears and I paced the room completely thrilled that I was going to be a mommy! I met my husband at the door when he arrived with tears of joy streaming down my face. We laughed and cried and we were SO excited. Then we went out to dinner at Cheesecake factory where I ate my favorite spicy pasta dish and cheesecake for dessert.

This time my husband was going to the store to get me sprite as I had spent the whole night puking and asked if he should pick up a pregnancy test. "Sure" I thought, but there was NO WAY I was pregnant. A half an hour later my husband, our little boy and I all crowded into our little bathroom to look at the test and my jaw dropped open in shock. There were TWO pink lines. Tears of... joy?... well, tears any way, once again streamed down my face as my husband attempted to hug me and my child danced around my legs.That night I ate saltines for dinner.

Last time I was obsessed with this little person growing inside of me. I read books, I signed up for this thing online that told you exactly what developments your baby is going through everyday. I was so excited for when I would feel the first kick and was just generally amazed with the entire process. I thought about my baby ALL the time. I started a list of names from the moment we decided to get pregnant. I spent my days imagining what this little person would be like and I found myself holding my nonexistant stomache (like an extremely pregnant women) pretending I had something there.

This time... well I just don't have the time. Sometimes I don't even remember that I am pregnant until my stomache suddenly drops because I need to eat and I feel sick. Or my little boy will take a flying leap at my and land halfway on my stomache and I think hmm... that probably not so good for the baby. Or at the end of the day when my back is killing me and I am EXHAUSTED! which brings me to my next point.

Last time I remember being tired by the end of the day.

This time I am dead on my feet exhausted by about noon.

Last time I had a little truely morning sickness. I needed to get up and eat something substantial in the mornings and I felt ok until lunch and after that I felt great.

This time I want to kill whoever coined the phase "Morning Sickness" because it is not. It is all day and sometimes all night sickness. I feel gross the majority of the time and indegestion is my constant companion.

SO all in all having a second is so far not easy. I always thought that life would get easy or slow down before I would contemplate adding another to the bunch. That I would look at my life and say "Yeah I could totally see how another kid would fit right in." But I hadn't gotten there yet. I kept waiting for it to get easier and it wasn't happening. Going shopping was still RIDICULOUS and I still had days where my little man drove me crazy and I just couldn't see how I could have another baby on top of all of that.

 But right before I found out I was pregnant, I was driving in my car and my little guy was actually quiet in his sit for two seconds. And I was thinking about something my sister-in-law told me. She said that the reason they decided to start trying for a second was because they wanted a friend for their daughter, someone for her to play with. And I thought I could relate to that. My little guy LOVES other kids. And I could see how he needed a friend. So I thought maybe it's not about waiting until your ready but maybe it's about doing it again for your kid.

I have tried to imagine juggling two kids before and it hasn't been pretty. But all of a sudden, in my car, this image came into my mind of myself holding a baby, sitting on the floor at our house playing with my two kids. It was short but it was peaceful. And in that moment I could see how it would work out. I could see how great it would be. I have heard people say before that they felt that there was a baby waiting to join their family. And I never understood how you could know that. But as the image of myself with my two babies flooded my mind a feeling that I have never felt before filled my heart, and I knew that that baby was anxiously waiting to join our family. And in that moment it didn't matter how hard it was all going to be... I wanted that baby so badly.

Three days later I found out I was pregnant.